Yu-Gi-Oh Kai!/Transcript
Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Serenity Wheeler, Téa Gardner, Joey Wheeler, Ash Ketchum (voiced by 1KidsEntertainment), Misty (voiced by Nowacking), Brock (voiced by xJerry64x), Marik Ishtar, Seto Kaiba, Solomon Muto, Florence, Mokuba Kaiba, Gruber and Hans, Mai Valentine, Odion Ishtar, Ishizu Ishtar, Tristan Taylor, Ryo Bakura, Melvin, Yugi Muto, Hank Ishtar, Noah Kaiba (voiced by Kirbopher), Team 4Kids (voiced by the members of Team Four Star), Duke Devlin, Gozaburo Kaiba (voiced by Antfish) Running time: 7:46 Transcript (standard flying cards opening) YAMI: Yippee! Another f*cking clip show! (cut to Serenity and Téa walking around Domino City) SERENITY: Thanks for showing me around Domino, Téa! It's a shame Joey couldn't be here. TÉA: Yeah, he said he had some important phone calls to make. (cut to Joey's apartment. Joey dials a number on the phone and starts calling) ASH: (on the other end of the line) Helloooo? JOEY: Hey, did I tell you about my super-cool Rattata? ASH: Mommy, is that you? JOEY: It's like my Rattata is in the top percentage of Rattatas! (hangs up) ASH: How did you get my number? MISTY: Ash, this is a pay phone. BROCK: Tell me more about the Rattata. (cut back to Serenity and Téa) TÉA: Ve-ry im-por-tant. (Title sequence) (cut to Domino Pier) TÉA: Hey, Serenity, remember when Joey Dueled Yugi right in this very spot? And it was super upsetting for everybody and almost traumatized you? SERENITY: Yyyyyes. TÉA: Let's have a flashback about it! SERENITY: Oh God. (cue flashback) (from The Man Who Would Be Steve) MARIK: (with the Millennium Rod) Obey me, Joey! JOEY: (brainwashed) Yes, master. MARIK: Obey me, Téa! TÉA: (also brainwashed) Yes, master. MARIK: Obey me, glass of water! (silence; Marik throws the glass to the floor, shattering it) Curse you, glass of water! You have disobeyed me for the last time! (cut to a drowning Joey) JOEY: I'm drowning! KAIBA: Yaaaaay! (cut to Joey being saved by Serenity) JOEY: My sister saved me! KAIBA: Booooo! (from Single White Shemale; cut to hospital with Grandpa and Florence. Florence wakes up) GRANDPA: Bakura! You're alive! (Grandpa is knocked unconscious) FLORENCE: Grandpa, you're dead! (from Card Games At 20,000 Feet; cut to stadium) MOKUBA: Now, let's get on the blimp! YAMI: Wait, what blimp? Oh, right, that blimp. JOEY: Nyeh, could you've picked a less efficient means of transportation there, Kwoiba? KAIBA: I guess I could have picked your butt! TÉA: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! GRUBER: Zis is a really bad Nazi joke! HANS: Ve aren't even German! KAIBA: Here are the finalists! Me! Yugi! Some idiot! The token female lady woman! Not Marik! Marik! I-don't-know! Black Tristan! TRISTAN: (with a dollar sign necklace, an earring and blue baseball cap) Blue-Peeps Honkey Dragon! KAIBA: And Bakura! (from Final Deathstination) JOEY: Bakura! How the hell did you get here? BAKURA: I've killed lots of people! (beat) JOEY: Wha— BAKURA: Probably going to kill you, too. (beat) JOEY: Nye— BAKURA: Definitely ''going to kill you. '''KAIBA': (rapidly) Yugi vs. Bakura, go! YAMI: I Summon Slifer the Executive Producer! FLORENCE: I don't understand why it's called that! YAMI: Nobody does, it isn't funny. MARIK: (with Florence as a spirit) Watch Adult Swim, Bakura! FLORENCE: (takes Slifer's attack head-on) You're so annoying that I'm going to give up! YAMI: (after winning) Yay! I won! JOEY: (offscreen) Bakura's in a coma now. YAMI: Yay! I won! (from So Long & Thanks For All The Trading Cards) KAIBA: (rapidly) Joey vs. probably Marik! Go! ODION: Gummi Bears! JOEY: What? ODION: Gummi Bears! JOEY: The hell are you talking about? ODION: Gummi Bears! (holds a pack of Gummi Bears) JOEY: You are freaking me out here, man! MARIK: (thinking) I must behave totally normally. (speaking) Friends, let us make out with each other violently, just like friends do in everyday situations. TÉA: Friends do do that. (Mai glares at her) ODION: Mega Ultra Chicken! JOEY: I don't understand why it's called that! ODION: Nobody does, it isn't funny. (Joey is struck down by lightning) YAMI: They're both unconscious! That's weird. When I was struck by lightning, it just made my hair look really cool. JOEY: (monotone) I stood up, so I win. YAMI: Way to be a biped, Joey. MELVIN: I am f*cking insane. YAMI: Hello, Mr. Insane. May I call you "F*cking"? MELVIN: Call me Melvin. YAMI: I don't understand why you're called that. MELVIN: Nobody does, it isn't funny. (from Requiem For A Nyeh) ISHIZU: My brother is evil. YUGI: What tipped you off? ISHIZU: He killed my father. (flashback; cut to a younger Melvin in the Pharaoh's tomb) MELVIN: (with the Millennium Rod) And for my next trick, I will make your life disappear! (after murdering Hank) Ta-da! (from Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mai) KAIBA: Marik vs. Mai, go! YAMI: I wonder what cruel fate Marik has in store for Mai. (cut to Mai trapped in an hourglass, suspended over a beach) MELVIN: I'm sending her to the beach! (laughs evilly) YAMI: (in slow motion) Nooooooooooo! (from Ishizu Explains It All) KAIBA: Me vs. Ishizu, go! ISHIZU: I can predict every card you're going to use. KAIBA: Then you're cheating. ISHIZU: Um... KAIBA: And you're disqualified. ISHIZU: Well, sh*t. KAIBA: (with shades) And it looks like this meme... (puts on star-shaped shades over the pair he is wearing) is really old. (excerpt from Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who plays, as the word "YEEEEEAAAAAHHHH" flies across the screen) (end flashbacks) TÉA: And do you remember what happened next, Serenity? SERENITY: Can we go to the mall? TÉA: We got abducted by Noah! SERENITY: Really wanted to go to the mall... TÉA: Which was another totally natural and non-obtrusive plot point. SERENITY: Take me to the f*cking mall. (flashback, from Beyond The Fourth Wall) KAIBA: We've been kidnapped by a small anime leprechaun with upsetting shorts! NOAH: Everybody look at my crotch! (cut to The Big 5, each with a face from a member of Team Four Star Photoshopped over their actual ones) YAMI: And by Team Four Star, apparently. TRISTAN '(''standing next to Duke): I'm sure their characters will be both memorable and hilarious. '''CAPTION: oops (from Penguin Ex Machina) GANSLEY #1: (as Deepsea Warrior) I'm voiced by GanXingba! GANSLEY #2: Now I'm voiced by hbi2k! YAMI: I don't know what any of that is. (from The Incredible Hobson; Crump, as Nightmare Penguin, is watching Pingu on TV, and apparently masturbating to it) CRUMP: Oh... oh yeah... Pingu... Pingu! Yeah, you play with your friends. (from Joey Wheeler Ace Attorney) JOHNSON: (as Judge Man) I am Johnson, from the law firm of Johnson & Johnson. JOEY: Johnson from Johnson & Johnson?! JOHNSON: And Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson... (repeats into the background as Joey screams) (from The Death Of Tristan Taylor) NEZBITT: (as Robotic Knight) Tristan, remember when I said "I'll kill you last?" TRISTAN: No? NEZBITT: I lied! TRISTAN: (falls into a lava pit) Falling! (as a robot monkey) And now I'm a robot monkey. I'm sure this will be both memorable and hilarious. CAPTION: oops (from Seto Kaiba vs. The World) KAIBA: Mokuba's been kidnapped! Agaaaain! YAMI: And the prom's tomorrow! LEICHTER: (as Jinzo) The South shall rise again, Mr. Kaiba! KAIBA: I hate you, but I find your accent very charming! (from O Mokuba, Where Art Thou?) NOAH: (singing and embracing Mokuba) Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me, I wanna feel dirty... MOKUBA: Please stop. KAIBA: Noah! Nice outfit, dork. NOAH: I'm threatening to kill you, and that's the best you've got? KAIBA: You are a dork! (from They Saved Tristan's Brain) EVIL TRISTAN: You couldn't begin to imagine what monster lurks in my Deck! YAMI: It's over nine thousaaaaand!!! EVIL TRISTAN: What? YAMI: I mean, tell me! (the Big 5 are defeated) NOAH: I'm banishing you all to Tumblr! BIG 5: (except Crump) Nooooooo! CRUMP: Yaaaaay! (from Stepbrother's Sin) KAIBA: (in Blue-Eyes White Dragon train) I like trains. (cut to Duel between Noah and Kaiba) NOAH: I want your body, Seto! KAIBA: At least buy me a drink first! Geez! (cut to a statue of Kaiba) JOEY: Kaiba's a statue! (a bird poops on Kaiba's head) YAMI: Ha! Bird poop! NOAH: (merged with his Deck Master, Shinato, King of a Higher Plane) Totally subtle religious imagery! YAMI: I Summon the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon! (Kaiba shakes; caption reads "http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/descriptive-noise screaming internally") NOAH: Now I want your body! YAMI: Get in line, muchacho. (from It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Virtual World) GOZABURO: I am Oz, the great and powerful! YAMI: Hey, remember Marik? (cut to airship; Melvin destroys machinery while laughing maniacally) (cut to Gozaburo and Kaiba) GOZABURO: I want your body, Seto! KAIBA: Why does everybody keep on hitting on me?! (cut to Yugi and Kaiba with Gozaburo's demonic form) YUGI: Kaiba! We have to jump in that giant swirly Star Trek thing! KAIBA: Only if I get to sing "Free Fallin'". (sings as he and Yugi jump into the vortex) Free Fallin'~! (he stops singing; the Yugi and Kaiba in the real world wake up) Let's do that again! (re-enters his pod) NOAH: (glowing with a yellow light) And now, a bunch of sh*t we took from Evangelion. GOZABURO: Nooooo! (Kaiba also screams in the blimp, as flames with the afterimage of Michael Bay chase the blimp) (end flashback) SERENITY: There are way too many references in these flashbacks. TÉA: Hey, remember the time when Tristan did the singing voice for Russell Crowe? (cut to the first scene from Les Misérables) JAVERT: (with Tristan's voice, singing to "Look Down") And I am Javert Do not forget my name! Do not forget me, 24601! Grrr... (end flashback; cut to Téa and Serenity watching two kids Dueling) SERENITY: Those kids are really cute. TÉA: Not really. CAPTION: (appears below Téa as she speaks the previous line) 4Kids dialogue TÉA: Hey, remember when even more flashbacks happened? (cue flashbacks; from Reservoir Steves) KAIBA: Welcome to Kaiba Island! Everybody should be wearing bikinis! (cut to tower's interior) YAMI: We're in a 4-way! JOEY: Sex jokes! MELVIN: I'm still f*cking insane! JOEY: I attack Yugi! YAMI: Dick move, bro! (from Desperately Dueling Susan) MELVIN: Winged Chicken of Ultra Mega Ra Super Chicken Bird Thing, attack! JOEY: (face-down) I seem to be dying because of card games. MELVIN: I killed your friend, Pharaoh. YAMI: Dick move, bro! (from Crowd Atlas; cut to coliseum) KAIBA: Welcome to ancient Rome, apparently! Everybody should be wearing bikinis! YAMI: I guess that makes you Adoptimus Maximus. (cut to Enemy Controller mashing the A and B buttons) KAIBA: (with a remix of 'Can Can' playing in the background) ''B-A-B-A-B-A-B-A-B-A-B-A-B-A-Start! (''cut to Yami and Kaiba witnessing their past selves Dueling) YAMI: Holy crap! We're in Egypt! I am tripping so many balls right now! (cut to Joey, who's feeling better, with the others) JOEY: Hey, Yug, I'm better now! YAMI: Oh, good, that— yes, I was worried about that! Wh-what? KAIBA: I lost again! (from How Kaiba Got His Groove Back) JOEY: Let's have a Duel to decide who lost the most! KAIBA: Why? (from Muerte Pinata) MELVIN: I continue to be f*cking insane! YAMI: (with Yugi's spirit chained by shadows) Yugi, watch me kick this guy's butt. YUGI: I'm dying! YAMI: Yes, but watch me kick his butt! MELVIN: Winged Dragon of Ra! YAMI: You forgot the name, I'm unsubscribing! MARIK: Due to convoluted bullsh*t, I am back. (from Winged Dragon Of Rawr!) MELVIN: (as an eye) Don't give up. (Marik places his hand on his Duel Disk, surrendering the Duel) MARIK: I give up. MELVIN: Dick move, bro! (vanishes with a pop) MARIK: (with his siblings) Now to take off my shirt— (takes his shirt off and promptly explodes) KAIBA: Well done, Yugi. And now to prove I'm not a sore loser, I'm going to blow up the island along with any proof that this ever happened. (Kaiba causes the island to explode while everyone else escapes on a helicopter; Kaiba also laughs from his Blue-Eyes White Dragon Jet) YAMI: Dick move, bro. (end flashback) TÉA: And remember when Pharaoh and I got married and we had lots of babies? SERENITY: That never happened. TÉA: And remember when your parents got divorced and you had to get surgery? (beat) SERENITY: I wanna go home. (ending; Free Fallin' plays; a logo appears reading "Yu-Gi-Oh! KAI the abridged series") CAPTIONS: Rattata beat the [[bulbapedia:Elite Four|Elite 4] before Ash] https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC70rfsxoChQf0xhmJ-tEEsA colridge (stinger; cut to Crump still watching Pingu on TV and masturbating to it) CRUMP: Oh... Pingu, Pingu! Oh, yes, so cold in the North! (ejaculates as the screen fades to black) Penguins! (post-ending, cut to Kaiba typing on his laptop; his phone rings. He picks it up.) KAIBA: Hello? JOEY: Hey, Kwoiba, did I tell you about my super-cool Ratta— (Kaiba hangs up and continues typing) KAIBA: I wonder why I don't have any friends. Category:Main series transcripts